Advocacy For Marriage

Look around you, what is one of the main things being attacked in the world today? Particularly in the United States. If you said marriage we are on the same page. Marriage is a bonding of a man and a women who love each other, are committed to each other, and what to spend forever with each other. If those are the reasons why a people get married in the first place, why are nearly 50% of marriages today ending in divorce? There could, and are, quite a few different answers to that question. And instead of going into that issue, I want to keep this on a positive note and talk about a way I think would help a couple grow closer together, through the good times and the bad, and ultimately build a lasting and happy marriage.
One of the five love languages is quality time. No matter what ones "top" love language is I believe that quality times means a lot for just about anyone. Especially for couples. Spending time with someone is how you get to know that person and helps the relationship flourish. Many couples before they get married tend to spend as much together as they possibly can. So why does that seem to change after they get married? True, real life gets in the way. There is always work, school, church, calling at their time, and then once the couple begins having children a whole new factor plays in. If couples aren't careful all of these different facts may potentially pull them apart. They don't take that time together to continue fostering their relationship. They think they don't have the time, or even don't need, to keep spending that quality time together, to keep dating like they did before they got married. A key factor to remember though, is to keep dating after you are married as well.
I'd like to purpose that couples should at least once a week go on a date. Just the two of them. Get a babysitter for the kids and go out and spend good old quality time together. Go to dinner, go to the park, go on a hike. It doesn't have to be big and extravagant, just something that you enjoy and do it together.
I am not married yet, but from observing my parents and other married couples all around me I have been able to see the difference it makes in the couples marriage when they go on a date once a week and spend that quality time together. Their relationships with each other are stronger, and even their relationships with their children are stronger.
Meaningful quality time I believe has the power to build happy and lasting marriages. Give it a try, and see what comes of it.

So after talking about the importance of family structure, building lasting relationships, raising children, etc. we came to the topic of blended families, divorce, or also loss of a spouse. Situations that we hope would never happen to us, but something I realized as we discussed this topic is how it’s important to understand it. We never want to go through it, but it is important to understand. It may not be you who goes through it, but it could be a loved one.

There is much more that comes along with a divorce then just two people splitting up. And there is more that comes with blended families then just the mom and dad getting married to each other and the whole family moving into the same house. There is other “baggage” that comes along. Other family members, including extended family members are also impacted. When a whole family system is changed more are effected then just the two who broke of the marriage. Children have to adjust to a new parent(s), they have to figure out which biological parent to live with, when they will visit the other parent, they have to deal with the drama for lack of better word between their divorced parents, etc. Extended family has to figure out how to deal with the changes, only to name a few.

Although there are a lot of difficulties and trials that come along with divorce and/or blended families they can still be a great thing, and beneficial to the members of the family. It may take a lot more time to get the family system functioning smoothly, but it can happen. In class we watched the music video of “The Man He didn’t Have to be” by Brad Paisley. It was an incredible and moving example of a positive effect on a blended family. There were also quite a few other students in my class that are actually members of blended families too that have had positive effects. Situations are what we make of them. When we do our very best, then in the end we ultimately come out stronger.

This week’s topic was parenting. It was kind of fun. For part of our Homework for the class we had to watch a few videos on parenting, mainly the best way of disciplining. To say the least they were very cheesy and not the best acting, no offence to them, but the lessons they taught in the videos were really good. There are many different styles and ways you can parent, and it all depends on the child and parents, the videos gave some great guide lines.

A couple things in particular that stuck out to me were first, how to go about disciplining children. Yelling and spanking often times does nothing. I know for myself when I got yelled at it never helped, it always just creates bad feelings, resentment, and more problems.  I heard an experience that I thought was really key, they said they got really made at one of their children and went straight in and started yelling at them and throwing out punishments, then walked out of the room, got half way down the hall turned around and went back to their child and apologized and said they didn’t mean what they said but that he was going to talk to them about what happened in 20 minutes once they had cooled down. I thought that was so cool because how often does that happen when we respond without thinking and then more problems end up getting formed then fixed? If we can think before we respond then we have the ability to turn mistakes into learning experiences.

Second thing that I actually found kind of interesting was three different parent styles. I never really thought of there being “styles” of parenting that had names. But they are Authoritarian, Permissive, and Active or Authoritative. Authoritarian meaning the parents are very controlling, but themselves above the child, and make the child feel like they ‘need’ their parents for everything. As you would think, not very affective parenting. Permissive is not very affective either. That is when the parents are kind of just wishy washy with everything. The most affective is the Active parenting. That is when you teach responsibility, respect, courage, and other traits like that. Children are actually taught valuable lessons, and ultimately come out stronger, and with a better relationship with their parents, in the end.

Parenting may seem like a hard and over whelming task. Which in lots of cases that may be true. But very few people who have gone through the process regret it. It is a privilege to be able to have a family, to build those relationships and enjoy the other blessing that come along the way. Not only do the parents teach the children and they get to learn and grow, but the parents do as well.

In today’s world people seem to underestimate, and even belittle the role of a father in children’s lives. Many do not realize how important a father’s role really is in the lives of children. In the past any studies have been done on the relationships between mothers and their children, but not many on relationships between fathers and their children. But in a more recent study I found they talked about the role of the father in the family and on the children.

The first point that I think is important is the role of fathers during pre-birth and after the child is born. For most the father should be involved before the child is born. When the mother involves her husband in the growth of the child when it is in her whom the father is able to start building a relationship with the child from the beginning. A couple things that the mother could do is let her husband feel when the baby kicks, or other things that go on. Then the father feels he is a part of the child’s life before it is even born. After the baby is born the father still has a huge role to play. In a study the researchers said “As a baby develops a relationship with his or her mother and father, he comes to prefer them to other adults”.

I’m sure everyone would agree that the best years of children’s lives in their teenage years. Or maybe not. It certainly is the time where children change the most and really start to learn and find who they are. Even though that tends to be the time that children turn away from their parents, their parents still play a huge role in their lives. Fathers and teenagers

The father doesn’t just play a huge role in each child’s life, but also in the family as a whole, in the family System. The Family a Proclamation to the World states “fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.” Just from that statement we get the feel of how important the father is, and also the opposite effect, how hard it would be without the father there fulfilling those roles.

That brings me to the next point that I think is important to include, that is what happens when the Father is out of the home. Like I mentioned earlier many people do not think about how much of an impact the father plays in the lives of their children. And how devastating it is on the lives of children when they don’t have a father. Some of the effects on children who grow up without a father in the home are increase risks of dropping out of school, behavior disorders, drug abuse, and suicides just to name a few.

Fathers play a huge role in the development of kids. The last point I would like to talk about is a topic I found on an article, they called it “Good Fathering is good parenting.” Children look up to their fathers, he sets an example for them and gives them the motivation to work and expire to something higher. From day one, when fathers take time to spend with their children they are able to build lasting relationships that will ultimately greatly benefit their children's lives. More than some may think.

The main topic this week was communication. If you have been or are in any kind of relationship you know that communication is a huge thing. And if you didn’t know that, now you do. And why is that? Think about it, what comes to your mind.

There were three different methods of communication that we discussed. Communication through words, out tone, and also non-verbal communication. Which of those would you say is more prominent? When you think of communication often times you would think of actually speaking, so most would say words. But one study showed that 51% is non-verbal, 35% is tone, then words actually being the least with 14%. It is often times with the non-verbal communication where problems arise. No one knows what someone else is thinking in any given situation. That is why it is important to communicate through words with our spouse, and the rest of the family. Lots of times problems will arise just because of misunderstanding, sometimes which can be devastating. Little problems can turn into big problems without communication. Something I have learned with roommates is that if we are to discuss problems when they are very small it is so much easier to resolve them then when we let them grow. Like in all situations it is easier to fix a problem when it is small than when it is large.

It is important to have good communication with those around us. It shows others we care about them when we take them time to communicate and to understand and see where others are coming from. Not only does it show people we care, but it strengthens our relationships, and that is ultimately what we want.    

Why do bad things happen to good people? Common question that many people ask. How would you answer? My first response to that question is it is through those hard and trying time that we are able to grow the most.

This week in class we talked about crisis, namely family crisis. Not only do bad things happen to good people, but bad things happen to good families as well. Crisis always strikes at one point or another. Whether it be as small as a sprained ankle to has large as a death of a family member. We see time and time again how when crisis hits individuals and families tend to crumble. But we also see individuals and families that become stronger and closer when crisis stiles them. When family members are able to lean on each other and overcome the bad things together, relationships are strengthened.

A statement that I really like is “when we actually have to work for something we gain more appreciation for what we have.” That is something I have certainly seen and learned throughout my life. For me personally I know how much more something means to me when I myself put in the work to receive whatever the result or reward is. When we are faced with hard trying times when we put the work it to overcome that trial we gain appreciation for it because of what we were able to learn from it. What it comes down to is how we choose to react to the trials put in our paths. We can chose to use them as an opportunity to grow or we can let them over take us tare us down.

 God doesn’t punish people by allowing bad things to happen to us. One of my favorite quotes is by Elder Jorg Klebingat, he said “often trials and tribulations are allowed to come into [your life] because of what [you] are doing right”. I believe that to be true. Trials are what truly strengthens and help us to learn and grow the most. It is our choice of how we respond to trials that help shape us into who we are and who we will become.

When you think of a strong successful marriage what words come into your mind? For me I think of words such has love, trust, kindness, loyalty, dependency, devotion, faithful, just to name a few. Then think about a failed marriage, or just a marriage that is struggling. Which of those words that I have named would be violated? Pretty much all of them.

It is a sad thing when you see a marriage fall apart. Two people that once loved each other so much, and then by something that one of them might have done terse them apart. One of the greatest causes being infidelity. When spouses are unfaithful to one another. Nothing can be harder on a marriage then when one spouse cheats on the other. It is sad how much that happens these days.

In the Doctrine and Covenants section 42 verse 22 it says “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.” That is a commandment from God. Marriages, just like life, aren’t meant to be easy, but they are worth it. When you are having problems in a marriage don’t turn away from your spouse, instead turn toward them, work out the problem together and by doing so your marriage and your love for one another will grow. Too often when couple are struggling they will go to parents or friends, and instead of taking that opportunity to grow close as a couple by overcoming the problem, more problems are caused and your marriage just grows farther apart. A statement that was made in class that I really liked was “one way we protect our marriage is by being kind and loving on the inside; that will make you strong on the outside.” Love one another, serve one another, work through problems and trials together, and your marriage will not fail, but will ultimately be beautiful.